I’ve really struggled with how to start off this blog. From the outside, my life looks pretty great: good husband, a nice house, and a job I don’t hate. I’m a millennial nearing forty; why would anyone want to hear me whine about my life?
It has been a long, slow process to accept that the situation I grew up in was traumatic, and the behaviors I developed to survive have left me drifting in adulthood. Some of them I recognized early. Growing up, I was a voracious reader, and I know now that it was a method of dissociating. Reality sucked, but I could lose myself in fantastical worlds and stories. I still struggle with it; reading is so much more fun than doing the dishes. Some behaviors took me longer to discover. The most recent find has been devastating: self-regulation through future fantasy.
I have had so many dreams about what kind of life would make me happy. I have wanted to be a writer, a librarian, a game designer, a farmer, a cafe owner, an artist, and much more. I thought that I was scared to lock myself into something that would end up not being any more satisfying than what I have now. To realize that all of it was just a method of self-soothing was heartbreaking. I felt like my dreams had been stolen. Just one more thing eaten by my trauma.
Then I got angry. I made some dramatic declarations (it was all internal, but it felt very dramatic). I will not turn forty stuck where I am now. I deserve to heal and be healthy. I deserve to have a life that I love, and I damn well am going to make it happen!
I bought four years of hosting and started this site. This summer I’m going to have a farmer’s market booth. I’m going to write and create and grow and try a little of everything I’ve dreamed about. It’s going to be a mess, and I’m bringing you along with me.
My name is Amber, and this is my journey of health, healing, and finally figuring it all out.